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That day I almost cried in a yoga class. . .

8/31/2015

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Pictured: My sunburned, sweaty, exhausted, she tried so hard- butt. At the end of this misery.
 I didn't want to talk about this here. I didn't want to fail and have everyone know I failed.
I have tried to love this body the way it is. I want to accept the outside too. Then I realized the only way I'm going to love myself- is if I'm a self I can love. I'd look at old photos and feel so terrible.

So I made a plan and started the plan.

Day 3 of the plan.
        I saw a free "parent/child" yoga class and I thought this would be a fun way to incorporate fitness and bonding time together. So, I made the plan so Kail and I could do yoga together!!  I had already worked out that day. I'd been walking everywhere. My legs were sore from the day before. Now I was going to work out AGAIN?!?! Well wait, this is like a parent child class- it's like yoga lite, baby yoga, tea-cup yoga. I can do this. I failed to realize it was a "Buti Yoga" class was. (This was a Buti-lite class for all levels. I don't want to imagine what "Buti-heavy" is.)

    We get there. My sister had planned on coming, I thought "Hey, someone I know will be there. I'll be fine." We get there. I stand around awkwardly, anxiety building. "I don't want to do this. I don't know a single person here. I do yoga at home, where no can see me fail. I'm about to screw up IN FRONT of PEOPLE!!!" Kail is running around playing- I'm trying to keep him from being too roudy. I'm so far out of my comfort zone I should be on MARS.

       My sister can't make it (no big deal) but now- I'm about to do this alone. I know not one soul here and I'm about look ridiculous. ADORABLE. The class starts.
       Check it out- it's fun!
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  The instructor picked a really good playlist. She starts calling out the positions and actions. Ohhhhhh boy, okay- I can do this. I do my best to keep up. I have a few things I suck at. My overall poses are poor but DAMMIT- my butt is in this class and I'm giving it what I've got. I put my mat in the back corner, I wore all black, and I gave this everything I had.
     Kail had a blast. He danced around, he loved the body paint and black light. The Drill Instructor (actually the instructor was really welcoming and nice but 30 mins into it- I just wanted to die) continued to call out poses and I thought my legs would fall off. Still, I pressed on, I may have screwed up forms, looked foolish, whatever. I was still trying.

     I have HUGE social anxiety. This entire thing was not just a leap. This was miles. This was bounds. I am so uncomfortable with my body and how awkward I am. So I'm sitting in this class ( Not sitting. moving. horrible. continued. merciless moving) thinking- I didn't leave. I am pushing myself until the end of this. Eventually, I will buy a damn punch card and when I come I will be that much better. I won't look like I do right now, but I have to do this right now to get to that place. Keep moving Hannah. Keep moving. Let go of all that anxiety and fear and MOVE. I gave myself whatever motivation I could:
"I AM GOING TO BLOG ABOUT THIS!!!" Whatever works.

   I did it. Something I have never done. I left there knowing I've done something that weeks ago I couldn't do.  It's a small thing to so many, it was a HUGE deal to me. I kicked Day 3's ASS. I walked this morning, I burned those calories, I stuck to my diet! Then sore, tired, and scared, I went to a yoga class with the greatest 6 year old I know, and we did it.
   
    I jokingly called it miserable- because I was scared and I wasn't good at it. However, I'm going back. My reward for completing 1 month of my 100 day challenge is I buy a punch card and I go to yoga. I can do this. I didn't give up today. I won today. That's the idea of this challenge. You just work on every single day. I'll get into more about it all soon.

   All I want to tell you is DO IT. If you are afraid of how you'll look, how good at you will be- whatever- do it. Don't give up, don't stop, find a new experience and keep pushing on. It's worth it. In the end you get to celebrate!! You made it!
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 If you're reading from my neck of the woods and you want to check out the yoga studio I went to here's a link! It was a great studio and I think we'll be going back!! Have fun yogis!
Free Spirit Yoga
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Open Letter to Fighting Girls:

8/29/2015

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 Dear 3 little babies, 
      You're babies. STOP. 

 
         I'm not sharing the videos - they say names- and I'm not up for humiliating these babies anymore. This is what is continually featured:


"Nobody cares about you" "----Just hit her". "Your such a slut" "I'll beat your ass". "You F@#$#@$ Taylor" "Even more of reason to beat our @$$" "Every one already knows -----got chlamydia and if you f#^%!$@ ------ then you for sure got Chlamydia". "We were never cool" "You F#%@#% the 'love of my life'."


  These children. These children. Part of me is so angry to see kids acting like this. Part of me so angry to see children screwing other children and worse adults. Thinking they're adults, then thinking they're tough.  This is the kind of behavior that shows how "grown" they are? There was physical violence. They continued to talk about drug habits, promiscuity, and violence. These babies. These foolish and stupid babies. 
    They had no logic. They had no sound thoughts. They were trying to take another girl and beat her up. They even referred to "respectful people" and needed to be quiet. So, clearly they know what respectful people are supposed to be. 
    These are young women??!?!?! This is my town? We're doomed.


Someday- you're going to need to get a job. This could follow you. Someday you're going to have kids. God forbid they act like this. Someday you're going to need to act like an adult. This isn't adulthood. These babies- these are such stupid babies. 


They want jobs. They think they have their lives together?!?! WHAT?!?!?!?! I'm astounded. 


YOU NEVER HAVE A REASON TO HIT SOMEONE UNLESS THEY ARE ATTACKING YOU ACTIVELY. THERE IS NO JUSTICIATION FOR THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOR. SHUDDUP!


    Let's hope the cops never see a "reason" to hit you. Let's hope a man never sees a "reason" to hit you. Let's hope your "Daddy" never finds a "reason" to hit you. Do you see where I'm going? 


If you are between the ages of 16-20. You no ZERO things about life. I'm 24 years old and I know maybe 1 or 2 things. That's all. You aren't a grown up if you're acting like this. You aren't cool, you aren't together. Foolish children do this and they get put in timeout. You know what they call that for young adults- Group homes or Jail. 




    Dear Community,
       This bullcrap is happening too often. This bullcrap is popping up in our youth. You know how you can stomp it out. REACH OUT. We need a community youth center. We need adults who CARE- who want to reach out. We need to figure this out. We have churches, we have available bodies. Enough is enough. 


Hashtag-heated. 
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Dear Anna Duggar

8/28/2015

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 Dear Anna Duggar, 
  
    Nobody would blame you would they? Nobody would sit there and condemn you for leaving. There isn't a very loud "Poor Josh" crowd- are there any? Nobody would blame you would they? 


    The eyes of the world are on you in the most painful and raw moment of your life. No matter what you do, compassion seems to have run dry. I don't know what you're going through though I imagine it's a vicious pain. Nobody would blame you. 


    Instead, there you stand. Likely feeling very much alone, holding onto the scraps of your marriage with tight fists and weeping eyes. Not only dealing with the judgment of the world upon your husband but the judgment of every move you make. That takes strength. 


    Guess what- no one gets to judge the power of Forgiveness. Guess what- no one has to live in your marriage but you. Guess what- no matter how much your husband screws up, Christ's power to forgive isn't limited by his ability to sin. 


    Nobody would blame you. I stand among those. I don't want to see women yoking themselves to men who don't honor them, who lie to them, who break the precious covenant of marriage. It's not my marriage to live in. It's not my heart on the line to find the capacity to love a man so broken. 


     Everyone agrees what Josh did was beyond despicable. He shouldn't get a free pass. However, nothing in this world is as black and white as we want it. You made children with this man. You invested all of yourself here. It's your choice to decide to dig in when it gets ugly and fight.  What a powerful story of redemption to make it through this time of burning? I've seen people change when they hit rock bottom.  What a testament to your faith. 


    See, we're supposed to forgive. We're supposed to be the group that accepts the screw ups. We're not supposed to be the perfect pristine people who don't do ugly things. No, we're supposed to be exactly those people. We've let the imagine of the perfect Jesus confuse us to thinking we're the perfect people. We've used this as fuel to condemn others when we needed to be looking at ourselves. "Sanctity of marriage" here's looking at you, Josh. 


    Could this be a bigger lesson? Christians are sinning the same as everyone else. Did Ted Haggard teach us nothing about our pride? God's forgiveness is unlimited. We believe in his power to change hearts to come in and restore those broken parts. We need to be focusing on our broken parts and less so about what everyone else is doing. We need to shed that perfect imagine and embrace a perfect savior. I don't talk about my faith much here, but I'm talking right now to my fellow believers. 


     Anna oh Anna. No one would blame you. I hope this time can show you why condemnation is such a terrible thing. Though what a painful lesson to have to learn. I know from my own experience those lessons in humility can bring us to our knees real fast. I know that forgiveness is such a powerful and beautiful thing. If this is truly your desire, to save your family, my prayers are with you and keep treading water Momma. 


    If we truly believe in our God. Then he's bigger than any one person's sin. The road to redemption is a long one. Years. However, if we truly believe in this God. Then we have to believe in his ability to help us through when our lives are destroyed.  When tragedy happens we still continue to exist. We have to find a way to keep moving through the wreckage. You don't get to judge how somebody fights through fire. Just like they don't get to judge you either; two-way street. 


    My heart breaks for Anna Duggar right now. My heart broke for people who have felt condemned by the Christian church. They're both tragic, both deserve compassion. Jesus hung out with prostitutes remember?? Let's not forget who we serve. 
Lift your head weary sinner, the river's just ahead
Down the path of forgiveness, salvation's waiting there
You built a mighty fortress 10,000 burdens high
Love is here to lift you up, here to lift you high

If you're lost and wandering
Come stumbling in like a prodigal child
See the walls start crumbling
Let the gates of glory open wide

All who've strayed and walked away, unspeakable things you've done
Fix your eyes on the mountain, let the past be dead and gone
Come all saints and sinners, you can't outrun God
Whatever you've done can't overcome the power of the blood


If you're lost and wrecked again
Come stumbling in like a prodigal child
See the walls start crumbling
Let the gates of glory be open wide
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"It's only right that you should play the way you feel it"

8/24/2015

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I'm not brave enough to put this on my actual facebook. I'll just link it here- so yes, I sang a song.
I secretly wish it was 1997* hence the get up and whatever I'm fabulous.
*Not actually a secret. 1997 was a good time. I'll head right over in my dramatic make-up to a Seattle coffee shop and be awesome.
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FABULOUS
  I don't actually know what to do with myself. I'm pretty clearly uncomfortable but whatever, I can roll with this. I have a few moments of confidence.  Kai keeps encouraging me to post something and he's the one who got me sing anyway. I make a few glaring mistakes and whateves. I really l like this song. I'm going to sing it because I LIKE TO. HA.

This is the song I'd like to A) learn on the old geetar and B) find someone to play with me for a fund raising thing I'm working on. Guitarists- I CHALLENGE YOU!!!
I'd ask my Dad but this isn't really his bag I don't think and he gets cranky.

This is an AWESOME song by Stevie Nicks called "Dreams" Sung here by me and Eve Goodman (who is on youtube, she's gorgeous and awesome and big in the England Folk music scene. Check her out).
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"Get the ugly girl away from me"

8/22/2015

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 I think I noticed it around 6 or 7, so about here:
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Looking back- I was adorable.
 "What? What did I notice?" It was around 6 or 7, that I started feeling "ugly". I wanted people to like me really bad. I went to private school, it was a small group of kids, I wasn't Catholic so I already didn't fit in. I knew I was *not pretty*. Plus, my mother bought all my uniforms from JC Penny, which while expensive, made me look like one pocket protector away from some kind of super-human dork. I will also never forgive her for the "Great Bowl Cut" of 1st grade where I looked like a boy. 


By the time we get here:  
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 Right about here, I'm 12, in 7th grade and my *first  crush called me ugly. That one stuck with me a long long time. I was an attention-seeker for sure. A big people pleaser and I'm really glad thigh gaps weren't a thing then. I was fit and cute- but as soon as I walked out of my house, I immediately stopped thinking so. 
*(Ahem, that's a lie. I think I had my first crush at age 3. His name was Nathan and he was the preschooler who would swear. So you know, my standards started out really promising.)


 Moving on: 
By high school- I looked like this
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   Like most girls in high school, I was still figuring out who I was. I had very low self-esteem and while I could fake confidence at times, most of the time, I just really wanted people (read: boys) to like me. I was still trying to escape "Get the ugly girl away from me". I'm sure there are some "Dad" issues thrown in there and some other unfortunate circumstances for good measure but the bottom line was this: I was always seeking approval in the wrong places and selling myself short.
I had and (have) a very pretty sister who was cool, together, and gorgeous. I had quite the complex going. 


I'm now 24 years old. I look back on these pictures and think- Man, I wasn't ugly for a second. Why couldn't I see that?!? Depression often kept me from putting much effort into my outfits and "look" but I by far was not ugly.
 I realize this seems like an exercise in narcissism. Bear with me. 
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   I don't look like this girl anymore. It is sometimes hard for me to look at pictures from before I had kids. I'm working toward A) becoming a more fit and healthy self and B) loving this body that I'm in. People have frequently told me how handsome my husband is (I know- he IS) it's hard not wonder if people think "what's he doing with her?!" I want to shout "I used to be very pretty damn it!!!" 


  Then I think to myself, I don't want to look back in another 10 years and think "Why didn't I think I was pretty?!? What's wrong with me?" I chopped off all my hair, the hair that I hid behind. I have worked harder on self-love in the past year than I have in my life. I have worked harder on the inner me in the last few years than I have in my life. Dash it all I'm still having to work on it!!! 


  My husband tells me I'm beautiful- almost if not every- single day. I love that. It's so nice to have someone love you. Finally, though I'm not looking for a man to validate my outer image. It's great that he thinks that- but darn it I want to think that!! 


  I'm 24, I've figured out who I am, what I'm about it, and said "like me or don't just be polite when you see me". Sure, I still have self doubts, plenty of flaws, and imperfections. However, I like this girl living in here. 


    Have you ever seen my daughter? She's breath-taking. Her eyes are like sea water and are as big as dinner plates, her smile lights up her whole face, and she has perfect pouty lips! She's going to be an amazing little girl. It's pretty critical to me, she never look at herself the way I've looked at me. I don't care if she had purple skin and 3 foreheads- she would still be beautiful and need to love herself. I have to teach her that. If she sees me looking at myself, making negative comments, always pointing out my flaws, then she's going to follow this pattern of behavior too. I'm SUPER not okay with that. 


   I've been going through a hard time and I'm sure that plays into my negative voice. However, I'm looking to make positive changes in my life. Putting my best foot forward to good health and loving myself for who I am and what that package looks like. I have to shut down that insecure voice that calls me "frumpy, homely, fat, awkward, inelegant," It really needs to shut up. 


    I can look at other women, who are heavier than I am, women who all look different and embrace themselves. I can look at them and agree- wow they're beautiful. I have to find the place that says "I'm beautiful too."


I know I have talked about this a lot. It can get to me. I just have to find that beauty for myself. We'll I'm working on it. 
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Sucking.

8/20/2015

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  I'm not on my best game lately. The past few months have just been a hard time. I am not doing the balancing act of juggling life very well and it sucks. 
    I'm hard on myself when I suck and sadly, that doesn't actually fix the problem. I just get even more depressed. Trying to turn around and find the positive can be really hard when you're bouncing from one difficult thing to the next. I have wanted to run away, I have wanted to quit, I have wanted to give up. It's been hard. 


   When rough things happen, you feel like there should be a break period. When it's just more rough stuff, you begin to feel like you've been beaten into nothing. How you do you pick yourself up in the middle of that? 
  
    I'm trying to juggle with a body that hurts all the time, when I can't pay for my medications, when money is just a little too tight right now, when my husband is job transitioning and it wasn't planned, and I'm making stupid mistakes at work and I just can't seem to juggle it all. 
   
     I remind myself that there have been harder times. Times where I thought I would break but I got through them. I remind myself that it can't stay this way forever. I can do this. I've still got a lot of fight left in me. No matter how crappy I feel. 


   So, I take a deep breath, get up, and go do it. 
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We aren't who we were...

8/12/2015

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See those two? Aren't they adorable? They're some of my favorite people actually. They didn't have a clue. Everything was brand new, all hearts and lovey-dovies! Ahhh, amor`e, young love, such precious innocence.

   I don't know those people.


These are the freaks I'm more familiar with:
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 Here we go. Yes, I know these people. They're tired, they barely get date nights, some where a child is crying, bills are calling, and dishes are piled in the sink. Yes, I know these people.
    Personally, I don't consider being together "long" until you're 10 + years into it. At 4 years together, we've barely scratched the surface- BUT we've been friends since high school, so there's that. However, in the brief 4 years we've been married, we have gone through some life. It has not been roses and butterflies. In the past 4 years, I have had the best moments of my life, and arguably the worst as well. We've had deaths, we've had births, we've had financial gain, and financial loss, we've been at our happiest, and our lowest.
    When I said "I do." It felt surreal. It was such a short little ceremon
y, I kept thinking "This is it? I'm actually married?" I don't think "actually being married" struck me really for another two years. I'm not sure being married got real until being married got hard.
     I laugh my butt off with his man. This whole being married thing is far from perfect. I've received lovely compliments from people who think my marriage is just awesome all the time. I appreciate that and as you won't ever hear me talk bad about my husband, unless you know me very well, you aren't likely to hear of any of our issues.
It isn't though, trust me.
    Don't get me wrong, (or to use vernacular "don't get it twisted"- see I can do that too). There are times we have had to sit down and say "We need to work on stuff. We need to communicate better. We need to keep this strong and here is what I need from you." Sometimes that has been hard. I think what has kept us going is this foundation of love. That part, the strong commitment and fidelity has been there and stayed there. That part and faith has got us through times where we were hurt, where we were angry, where things were hard. That and the ability to be in middle of pain, of brutal searing loss, and to laugh.
   I'm really grateful. I'm grateful that I've had strong other relationships. Relationships outside of my husband that help keep me sane. My Mother, my best friend Kalyn, people who are strong, supportive, stable, and wonderful. When you surround yourself with stable people, they can help you get through those hard parts.
    I look over at my husband. This is one of our few nights a week together. We don't get many date nights and only 3 nights a week do we even get to sleep in the same bed. Time is precious. I look over at him and I love that man. We are not who we were when we got married. We have grown and changed; physically, emotionally, and mentally. Thankfully, we've done that together. I was blessed to find the love of my life at 19.

"Whatever souls are made of, his and mine are the same" -Wuthering Heights

 I don't know where we'll be in another 4 years, 10years, or 20. I don't know if we'll be the same people we are now. We aren't who we were when we got married. For that, I am so glad. I don't know those people in the pictures anymore. I remember them, vaguely, but we're very different now.
   I like it this way. It's different- but it's still my favorite.

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YOU''RE KIDS AREN'T THERE TO LOVE YOU!!!

8/8/2015

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 No, wait I'm serious.
You're kids are NOT there to love you.
It's not their job. They will- because of who they are- but their job is to grow up. Not be there for you.

I see posts like "Little Timmy saw Mommy a crying mess and went to comfort me. He's the only man I need!"
That's sick. Tough love baby-cakes. You shouldn't "need" your child emotionally. They need you.

The burden of love, comfort, and affection is not one our kids should bear. We don't have children to fill a void of love in our lives. We don't have children to be the only people to unconditionally love us. We don't have children to fulfill our needs. That's not their job.

If your child sees you having a meltdown, don't look to them to be your emotional support system. They're kids. Children, most especially young children- look at their parents as basically God. Stay with me. There is an absolute trust that you -the adult- know what you're doing, you make the rules, you know right from wrong, you brought them into the world, you are the ruler of their little world. So, if suddenly God looks at you, freaking out, and expects you to fix them? That's breeding some insecurity. It puts some cracks in that world. It puts a burden on children that they shouldn't have for their parents.

My kids have seen me upset. What I have done is this:
1) Name my feelings to show them how: "Mommy is sad right now."
2) Establish empathy and a point of relation: "Remember when you had an ouchie and you cried? or some other age appropriate example"
3) Establish that things are still okay: "We all get big feelings sometimes, even Mommies and Daddies- it's still okay though. It's always going to be okay. Even grown ups get feelings."
4) Live by Example- Show them how to cope: "I feel better now that I talked to (insert appropriate adult here). I needed to have a moment. *Deep breath* How do you feel? Do you have any feelings to share? Why don't we go do (insert next activity). "
I also add prayer to this as well. I tell my kids that I can talk to God about my feelings too. That God is so big, he can take care of even Mommy and Daddy. This isn't for everyone- but it's something we do in our home. It's how I have brought my faith to my children and shared it with them.

 I live in a small 3 bedroom apartment. My kids are inevitably going to see me in a state other than Stepford perfect. That's reality. I don't however, want my kids to feed off that and develop anxiety or an insecurity. This is home. It's a safe place. It's our sanctuary.
That means- it's a safe place for us to have feelings too but not where we're putting burdens on the littlest members.

Growing up, I saw my parents have strong emotions. I didn't often see them cope through them or resolve them. It's been big with me for my kids to show them how to get through it. If they see their Dad and I argue- they see us apologize and that we've talked it out. If they see us have strong emotions- we assure them that things are okay- that grown ups get feelings- but those feelings are not the end of the world.

We're not perfect. When I'm in the middle of huge stress, I can't put on my Mommy voice and be Mary Poppins. I go, to my own space, calm down, and then go to my kids. My kids have seen their Mommy cry. They also know that sometimes even grown ups hurt- but that it's okay. I don't tell the boys not to cry, their Dad doesn't either. Everyone has a right to be emotional, appropriately and if we're struggling with the appropriate part- we go to our safe place (bedroom).

One of my biggest goals as a Mom has been to raise kids who can emotionally cope, understand their feelings, not be afraid of them, and be able to conquer them. I struggled with this. I was the "sensitive" girl.
They called me "sensitive" the same way you'd call someone a "moron". I didn't have my tools to self calm as a kid. I had to learn later.
I don't want my littles to have the struggle of figuring it all out later. I'm trying to show them now.

If you're looking at your kids to fill an emotional void in your life. Talk to someone. I promise you it isn't cute, it isn't healthy, and it's not good for your babies. You aren't required to be strong every minute, but they aren't required to fix your emotional "ouchies." They can't- their too little for that.

Be well.
 
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It's a process

8/6/2015

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 I've talked a lot lately about loving myself about my struggles to love myself on the outside, to embrace this person in her flaws and triumphs. I've talked so much about it because that's where I'm at.

Today though, I had a peace. A deep breath of "it's okay". This has been a rough two weeks. I haven't talked about all of it because somethings are too personal for me to just put up on the internet. Then, we all got sick and bills are calling, and life hits hard when you're down. We made it, everything is okay, but it has been rough. It felt like I was trying to get my sea legs in a storm; all wobbly and unbalanced.

Today though, I had a peace. I was able to start loving myself- the way I always needed- in the middle of ear infections, pink eye, my husband job transitioning, bills coming up, my body going against me, stress that felt like a mountain. I love me. I know this loving myself thing is going to be an uphill battle. There are days I won't like Hannah. I'm hard on myself so that self criticism comes naturally.

 I'm okay though. I have the strength to bear it. I can rely on God to help me through what I can't. I have a husband and friends and family to help me as well. I feel settled. It's a good feeling.

Now, excuse me- I have two sick kids who are at my heels.

Love and Light All!

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"The swarthy six year old with sideburns. . ."

8/2/2015

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I'm not cool (I take that right back- I am SUPER freaking cool. If you don't think I'm cool you don't know what cool is. I am just simply not vapid enough to be aloof and fit in).  I am not lithe, delicate, or particularly pretty. I can be striking. I am sturdy. I am sarcastic. I am often oblivious. I am just Hannah. 


Sometimes, I still struggle with self-love. Sometimes I still feel the need to prove that it's okay to be smart. It's okay not to have a gym body. It's okay that I talk too much. It's okay that I read a lot or like music. It's okay that I'd rather be just me then have manicured nails, perfectly coifed hair, and the "right" outfit.
  Even when I was thin, I have always been a t-shirt and jeans person. However, I knew how to properly serve tea, where to hold a wine glass and why, how to set a table, and I've read Miss Manners; I couldn't rival say, Emily Gilmore but I know the difference between a shrimp (seafood) fork, dinner fork, salad fork, olive fork, (is their a fish fork? I thought that one was a knife? See not Emily Gilmore but not Joe Dirt). 

I looked up the forks- see answers at the bottom. (It bugged me).
 I don't mind getting dirty. I can change my own oil, my own tires, my own spark plugs, and brake pads. Though I haven't had to in years. I CAN dammit. I struggle with an illness that makes me feel weak. I really hate that feeling. Trust me, when it matters, I'm not weak at all. 



Self-love is difficult, at least for me. I grew up fighting to feel enough, fighting to belong, and constantly failing. Somethings become ingrained in you are they wear you down. I'm not willing to just give up, though. Kai says I am my biggest critic. That if I could only see myself through the eyes of those that love me I'd have far fewer complaints or insecurities. It's amazing how simple genuine feeling can refocus things. I was sharing with him, these insecurities and he looked at me, really really looked at me; flaws and all. "I just want you. Exactly like you are." It's a powerful thing to be accepted. 


 I love my husband and that kind of genuine love helps heal some wounds of rejection. However, I also know that he can't love me- for me. I have to love myself and he can't validate me -for me. He gives me the best kind of love I know. Nothing is diminished there, but I still have to love Hannah too. There's a quote  see all the time, shared on all these memes. "He offered her the world and she said she had her own." I guess that's cool if it's Joe whatever if it's your mate. That doesn't work. My husband's world is our family, that is the only world that could ever be offered to me with any kind of value. I don't want a separate one. I just want to better validate my own personhood within myself. 


So then I see this image: 

Picture
 This is Bianca Del Rio. 
  I find Drag Queens to be very very inspiring, especially when it comes to self-love. Look, it takes GUTS to get out there and be a performer of any kind, to be one that could face a LOT of hate from all sides, HUGE guts. Bianca rose from doing club acts to being a top-billed performer with a huge fan base. 
     She (in drag) He (as Roy) loves who they are. Bianca has confidence; she can't hear you over her fabulous. This is my goal. To turn off my own self doubt. I don't care so much what other think or say- if you don't know me enough to love me, then you don't matter much. I belong well to the people who matter. I want to look at my self in the mirror and put down the voice that says anything beyond "Hunny, you're fabulous". 
    It comes back to faith as well. I struggle to see how the divine could find me lovable when I only see the flaws in myself. It has been a new kind of walk in spirituality, trying to accept myself. I find I grow to see God as less critical and more the loving parent who sees the flaws of the child, but also the beauty that should be nurtured and cherished as well. 


This is all a journey. It's not a path you finish, it's one that winds through your whole life. I hope to find a place that says, screw the negative nancy's and my own self-doubt. Hunty- I am lovely. 


So- the deeper message here is this: 

Do not mistake that negative voice for one of reason. If it's your conscience, it won't wound your heart. Love yourself, radically. Don't you deserve it? Give yourself the love you've always wanted. 

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