I have tried to love this body the way it is. I want to accept the outside too. Then I realized the only way I'm going to love myself- is if I'm a self I can love. I'd look at old photos and feel so terrible.
So I made a plan and started the plan.
Day 3 of the plan.
I saw a free "parent/child" yoga class and I thought this would be a fun way to incorporate fitness and bonding time together. So, I made the plan so Kail and I could do yoga together!! I had already worked out that day. I'd been walking everywhere. My legs were sore from the day before. Now I was going to work out AGAIN?!?! Well wait, this is like a parent child class- it's like yoga lite, baby yoga, tea-cup yoga. I can do this. I failed to realize it was a "Buti Yoga" class was. (This was a Buti-lite class for all levels. I don't want to imagine what "Buti-heavy" is.)
We get there. My sister had planned on coming, I thought "Hey, someone I know will be there. I'll be fine." We get there. I stand around awkwardly, anxiety building. "I don't want to do this. I don't know a single person here. I do yoga at home, where no can see me fail. I'm about to screw up IN FRONT of PEOPLE!!!" Kail is running around playing- I'm trying to keep him from being too roudy. I'm so far out of my comfort zone I should be on MARS.
My sister can't make it (no big deal) but now- I'm about to do this alone. I know not one soul here and I'm about look ridiculous. ADORABLE. The class starts.
Check it out- it's fun!
Kail had a blast. He danced around, he loved the body paint and black light. The Drill Instructor (actually the instructor was really welcoming and nice but 30 mins into it- I just wanted to die) continued to call out poses and I thought my legs would fall off. Still, I pressed on, I may have screwed up forms, looked foolish, whatever. I was still trying.
I have HUGE social anxiety. This entire thing was not just a leap. This was miles. This was bounds. I am so uncomfortable with my body and how awkward I am. So I'm sitting in this class ( Not sitting. moving. horrible. continued. merciless moving) thinking- I didn't leave. I am pushing myself until the end of this. Eventually, I will buy a damn punch card and when I come I will be that much better. I won't look like I do right now, but I have to do this right now to get to that place. Keep moving Hannah. Keep moving. Let go of all that anxiety and fear and MOVE. I gave myself whatever motivation I could:
"I AM GOING TO BLOG ABOUT THIS!!!" Whatever works.
I did it. Something I have never done. I left there knowing I've done something that weeks ago I couldn't do. It's a small thing to so many, it was a HUGE deal to me. I kicked Day 3's ASS. I walked this morning, I burned those calories, I stuck to my diet! Then sore, tired, and scared, I went to a yoga class with the greatest 6 year old I know, and we did it.
I jokingly called it miserable- because I was scared and I wasn't good at it. However, I'm going back. My reward for completing 1 month of my 100 day challenge is I buy a punch card and I go to yoga. I can do this. I didn't give up today. I won today. That's the idea of this challenge. You just work on every single day. I'll get into more about it all soon.
All I want to tell you is DO IT. If you are afraid of how you'll look, how good at you will be- whatever- do it. Don't give up, don't stop, find a new experience and keep pushing on. It's worth it. In the end you get to celebrate!! You made it!