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Patient Rights

10/30/2014

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Quick warning, this post might make some readers uncomfortable, I'm talking about sexual assault and some sensitive topics. Some readers know me, so just warning, this post might be too personal for some.


  I'm nearly 40 weeks pregnant now, which means weekly doctor visits. Another crappy reality of these visits are frequent pelvic exams. Ugh. No one likes them but if you deal with PTSD from an assault or abuse they can be extra crappy.
   For today's appointment my husband who always accompanies me was present but unfortunately so also was my two year old. Little kids don't mix well with the OBGYN department but life happens.
   Knowing a cervical check was likely I kindly explained to the nurse that "While I'm sorry for the inconvenience of my child being present, I have PTSD and am only comfortable doing cervical exams with my husband next to me. As that is not going to work out today, I would like to skip the pelvic exam. Not having any signs of active labor, I feel safe in waiting at this time."
 
  I was appalled to have the nurse tell me I didn't get a choice. Extra appalled when she pried about "What happened to me". Irritated when she was rude after I informed her I didn't wish to discuss it, and finally pissed and upset when she left and came back to "make sure I was taking my pants off." My husband was livid. I'm putting this mildly but she was very pushy and instead of letting me discuss options wit my OB was rudely insisting I have this exam. She got worse later, to me that kind of thing isn't cool.

    Guess what, if I don't want someone putting their hands in my vagina, I get to say "NO!" However, it felt very violating to be told that I don't have said right, especially after explaining to said nurse that it's because someone else took advantage that I'm uncomfortable in the first place.

  It gets better, so I'm sitting there, visibly upset, my husband trying to comfort me and not come unglued on said nurse, in walks the doctor. Seeing I was upset, he asked me what was wrong but because the  nurse was present I didn't feel okay answering beyond "I'm fine, I just need a moment". To which the nurse flippantly replied for me "Oh she just doesn't want an exam today." Now, thankfully my OB is awesome. He was totally okay with skipping it today, he didn't pressure me or pull any of the bullshit his nurse did. The nurse had tried to bully me into having the exam without getting to discuss *not* having one with my OB. Who again, had no qualms with my desire to refuse.

  I don't have too many lingering issues with past incidents now that I'm married, however people who aren't my husband touching me there, is something that can still give me a panic attack. When your exhausted, hormonal, and 40 weeks pregnant a panic attack is the last thing you need. It angered me a lot that this nurse lacked sensitivity training. It's been years since my incidents but my God what if it wasn't. If this was my experience and it was upsetting, (but I'm okay), how many this affect a person still coping with pain? If a person dealing with ungoing abuse had that nurse today, that could deeply affect their recovery.
    My point in this post, aside from catharically talking about my experience today, is to share something with anyone else who's felt bullied like that. Pelvic exams become a part of life, which for some can be a trigger, I sat there feeling like I couldn't say no. When it's about your health or your pregnancy, I think it's easier to feel pressured. If you find yourself feeling like me remember this: "you are the patient, you have the right to refuse anything. You get to talk to your doctor and you, sure as your born, get to say "not today". No one gets to pressure you, not even an M.D."
    To some this might sound really stupid and maybe it's odd for me to discuss here but it was important for me today, after feeling really powerless to remind myself and maybe someone in my shoes, that I can be mad and I can say "NO". Really simple thing but sometimes that reminder is a big deal.
I realize my language and description were a touch graphic but this was important for me to share. Thanks! 


My laptop doesn't like the blog format lately so I typed all this on my phone. I've tried to edit the mistakes, typos, and issues. Sorry about that!
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"You're going to turn your son gay!"

10/19/2014

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  Sitting at the table discussing how I let my son play with dolls, how he loves purses and shoes, and that I've let the boys paint their finger nails- a person in my circle took it upon themselves to tell me how I'll make my son gay. That I shouldn't let him out of the house like that when he's older if he still likes these unacceptable things. It's only acceptable now because he's too little to understand. 
    I figured eventually I would deal with a comment like this. Though considering that as of yet, no one had bothered to voice this to me, I thought maybe I wouldn't have to deal with it. I was unprepared. It made me really angry, I struggled to address those comments with love. My response was simply: "that if when he's older and still likes purses, shoes, or "girlie" things; that it simply isn't going to matter and he can like whatever he likes at whatever age he likes it." If he's gay, it will have nothing to do with the fact that he's played with purses and dolls and will still not affect how I love and treat my son. 
    I was raised very conservatively, some of those thoughts and ideas get ingrained in you. However having children, it changes my perspective on a lot of things. I recently watched a great documentary called "What's the T?" it shares the lives of several transgender women. What really stood out to me what how all of them struggled with being accepted by their families. There was wounding and pain there. That broke my heart so deeply. 
     If I'm being very honest and open, if my son were to tell me "Mom, I feel like I'm in the wrong body- I want to change- I want you to support me." It may make me uncomfortable. I'm human and I have to own that, still in my discomfort I would adjust and support my child. He's my child, it is his right to have me love and accept him- for whatever. I have dreams and aspirations for him, he may choose to do things with his life that don't fit that mold. Regardless of that, he will have his Dad and I in his corner- always- each of our children will. 
      To me, a parent is supposed to be a safe person. While I will not enable destructive behavior in my kids- they will always have someone who is behind them and foremost it will be my husband and I. I'm really proud to say that Kai feels exactly as I do. We made these babies, they're ours, and they have the right to our love- whomever they decide to become. The world may not accept them or whatever reason, so to me, it's important that acceptance and love come from us. 
       I want my children to grow up with wisdom, integrity, strength, kindness, as great money mangers, with intelligence, strong spirituality, and critical thinking skills. I'm really not concerned with making them "masculine" or "feminine", ensuring they like the opposite sex, or how not to make them weird. That to me is not how they will become successful, whole, and fabulous adults. 


So "You're going to turn your son gay!" So. What. 

   
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Dear Pregnancy 

10/15/2014

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A friend recently shared this link with me (see button below) and it inspired me to write something about this time. It's so easy at the end here to want it over. Yet the next major change coming with a new baby can also make you want to slow down and speed up all at once.  
The End Of Pregnancy
  I can immediately relate to this Mom. I feel like someone is voicing all the things I can't say. While I anxiously anticipate holding my daughter for the first time, a part of me is still wanting to put the brakes on. However as the days tick by, soon, very soon, we will have another little member in our home. 
   There's never enough time. The laundry pile that never dwindles, the dirty dishes that seem to multiply. The projects that demand attention, when I don't have the energy to match. 
   The feeling that I should be prepared but in reality I feel less prepared than the first time around. I think I have more worry about labor and delivery and far more fears on how we will adjust to this whole new person. 
   I want to still cherish this time, despite the discomfort and trials we're going through. These moments are still so precious. I don't want them slipping through my finger in my haste not to be pregnant anymore. 


  Dear Hubster:
      I love you so much. I know that you feel the pressure too. I know that my fears are your fears but you're always strong for us. This will be an entirely new season of life for us, but I'm glad we get so spend all this time together now. As our family grows, I know love will too. I can't imagine loving you more but I know how much seeing the family we've made makes my heart feel so big. In the three years we've been married, this year may have been our hardest one. Yet still in the middle of it, we have had so much joy. 
     This time might be hard, but there will be harder times I'm sure. Yet we sit in the midst and we laugh. We relish in these moments. Soon things will crazier but I know I couldn't do this with anyone else. We were granted the gift of being knitted close together and we make it through everything with happiness. While we're running for baby bottles, more diapers, doing homework, catching toddlers, and hushing the baby- don't forget how much I love you. Don't forget how HAWT I think you are and how they will grow up too fast and we will want all of this back. You are my hero, you are they're hero. 
  We adore you. 
Love Wife 




 Dear Boys, 
      My little mighty hearts! Let's savor this time together! When it's my house full of boys! I know you both will have so much to teach your little sister! My prayer and hope for you is that the beautiful love you have as brothers is easily extended to your baby sister. Knowing you both, it will be. I know that for each of you, a new person will be an adjustment. I also know that the bond the three of you will have is going to be something so special. 

     I promise you both, we will still play, we will still have loud time! Together we will be rambunctious and boisterous  and free. While our family is growing again, you both have a unique and special place in our hearts and in our family. I know it might be hard to share the light with the new baby but your childhood is just as precious and your moments growing are still savored. I do worry if there will be enough of me to go around, but I know that love grows and I will always have time for you. 
    I love you my little hearts. Both of you taught me so much about love, in so many different ways. My cup spills over with love for you both. We will head into the next stage and season of life together and in it we will be joyful. 
 Love Mom





 Dear Elena, 
     My little daughter. I never imagined I would get the privilege of saying that. Through the time that you are being made in my womb has been a difficult one, it has also been a blessed time. I admit I'm nervous but I can't wait to see your eyes, count your fingers and toes, kiss your  nose. I have so much I want to teach you as you grow into a woman. Mighty women I can't wait for you to meet. I am  so beyond excited to see the look your Dad gets holding you for the first time.       You will never know how much your Daddy loves you, that even though he takes immense pride in his sons, he wanted a little girl to spoil and love. You have a Daddy who you can turn to, who will be there for you, who will wipe your tears, who will mend your heart. You have a Daddy to be your hero, your protector, as well as your parent. 
    You will never know how much I love you. I had the best Mom, and then I got blessed with an amazing God-Mom. I can only hope to be like them for you. You will have a Mom who will always be on your side, even if it doesn't feel like it to you at the moment. While part of me has a little fear in raising a girl, I am also excited at the specialness. My bond with my Moms has been a precious one, I look forward to sharing that with you. 
   I'm going to cherish this time before you arrive. To celebrate this pregnancy and savor our last moments as a family of four. Know that we welcome you in with joy, that you are our delight. 


Love Mom. 
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Sun, Oct 12, 2014

10/12/2014

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Hey All,
  Blogging from my phone so hang in here with me. It's been one of those times in life where when it rains it pours and my focus gets diverted to trying to keep us dry.
  I have continued to be blessed even in the middle of the downpour. This last weekend my Godmom and best friend threw me a lovely lovely baby shower. It was a beautiful and fun time with friends and family. I will be posting pictures soon.
    Thank you all again for reading and staying with me. Elenas birth is almost upon us! I cant wait to show you all her finished nursery and soon our little baby girl.
Blessings and warm wishes to you all!
Picture
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