Sometimes, I still struggle with self-love. Sometimes I still feel the need to prove that it's okay to be smart. It's okay not to have a gym body. It's okay that I talk too much. It's okay that I read a lot or like music. It's okay that I'd rather be just me then have manicured nails, perfectly coifed hair, and the "right" outfit.
Even when I was thin, I have always been a t-shirt and jeans person. However, I knew how to properly serve tea, where to hold a wine glass and why, how to set a table, and I've read Miss Manners; I couldn't rival say, Emily Gilmore but I know the difference between a shrimp (seafood) fork, dinner fork, salad fork, olive fork, (is their a fish fork? I thought that one was a knife? See not Emily Gilmore but not Joe Dirt).
I looked up the forks- see answers at the bottom. (It bugged me).
I don't mind getting dirty. I can change my own oil, my own tires, my own spark plugs, and brake pads. Though I haven't had to in years. I CAN dammit. I struggle with an illness that makes me feel weak. I really hate that feeling. Trust me, when it matters, I'm not weak at all.
Self-love is difficult, at least for me. I grew up fighting to feel enough, fighting to belong, and constantly failing. Somethings become ingrained in you are they wear you down. I'm not willing to just give up, though. Kai says I am my biggest critic. That if I could only see myself through the eyes of those that love me I'd have far fewer complaints or insecurities. It's amazing how simple genuine feeling can refocus things. I was sharing with him, these insecurities and he looked at me, really really looked at me; flaws and all. "I just want you. Exactly like you are." It's a powerful thing to be accepted.
I love my husband and that kind of genuine love helps heal some wounds of rejection. However, I also know that he can't love me- for me. I have to love myself and he can't validate me -for me. He gives me the best kind of love I know. Nothing is diminished there, but I still have to love Hannah too. There's a quote see all the time, shared on all these memes. "He offered her the world and she said she had her own." I guess that's cool if it's Joe whatever if it's your mate. That doesn't work. My husband's world is our family, that is the only world that could ever be offered to me with any kind of value. I don't want a separate one. I just want to better validate my own personhood within myself.
So then I see this image:
I find Drag Queens to be very very inspiring, especially when it comes to self-love. Look, it takes GUTS to get out there and be a performer of any kind, to be one that could face a LOT of hate from all sides, HUGE guts. Bianca rose from doing club acts to being a top-billed performer with a huge fan base.
She (in drag) He (as Roy) loves who they are. Bianca has confidence; she can't hear you over her fabulous. This is my goal. To turn off my own self doubt. I don't care so much what other think or say- if you don't know me enough to love me, then you don't matter much. I belong well to the people who matter. I want to look at my self in the mirror and put down the voice that says anything beyond "Hunny, you're fabulous".
It comes back to faith as well. I struggle to see how the divine could find me lovable when I only see the flaws in myself. It has been a new kind of walk in spirituality, trying to accept myself. I find I grow to see God as less critical and more the loving parent who sees the flaws of the child, but also the beauty that should be nurtured and cherished as well.
This is all a journey. It's not a path you finish, it's one that winds through your whole life. I hope to find a place that says, screw the negative nancy's and my own self-doubt. Hunty- I am lovely.
So- the deeper message here is this: