I at first wasn't going to talk about this here. I didn't want people to know and since I don't know anything for sure, felt it would be weird to talk about. I'd been having health issues after Ellie was born but they had been going on for much longer than that. At a routine appointment for my arthritis and fibro my doctor was going over symptoms with me. I said something and he just stopped. He informed me that when we finished this appointment I would need to go upstairs and speak with my GP's nurse who had been monitoring this issue.
Upstairs I go. Waiting. The nurse sits down with me in an exam room and talks to me for a few moments. We discussed what had been going on and she went in to check my chart. Suddenly, I'm needing to be stay and be see right now. I got sent down for blood work and I'm waiting to see my doctor. I've seen my GP since I was 2. He's a "suck it up you're fine" kind of fellow and even though he isn't always my favorite doctor, he knows my medical history and family history so well it would be weird to change. He reviews my blood work and does a physical exam and we went from "You're fine" to "we need to have biopsy's done, a colonoscopy, and more blood work". HUH? Then he tells me how he's sending me to a surgeon because they'll get me in faster and while he hopes this is something simple and small, he can no longer rule that out and this could be something serious. WUT? Like what? Like how serious? Well, some of the medications I take put me at risk for a GI bleed, then there's colitus, or colon cancer. I have symptoms that fall in those categories. He's telling me it could be something simple like an ulcer in my intestines or something scary- like cancer.
I was pretty much able to blow this off until I went over and talked with my Mom. Who's been alarmed about this for a little while now. I don't do well when my Mom's scared, it makes me scared. So, it's been I don't know, a week. Waiting.
In the middle of all this waiting, my arthritis is giving me hell, I have to have my wisdom tooth pulled because it's killing me, and the symptoms like horrid abdominal pain and other issues, haven't gone away. Waiting. I don't know how to talk about this.
I told the people I'm closest to. My Mom, my husband, my best friend, and my sisters. It still freaked me out. It took me a little bit to even tell Kai everything and then I had to repeat it to my Mom. Words like biopsy had me freaked. Abnormal blood work (though thankfully only slightly abnormal not grossly way crazy abnormal- I got to see my lab results). Have to do a colonoscopy (UGH!). Things like "we know it's not an infection". Processing all of that- sucks. Waiting. Sometimes I'm fine. Sometimes I'm really not. There are days I can have fun and be on and I can just push past the pain and issues, I have fibro and arthritis this is stuff I'm familiar with. The bad days really suck though. The waiting makes those bad days scarier.
I repeat to myself all the time "I'm healthy, I'm great. I'm doing just fine." I play with the kids, I hold my daughter, I kiss my husband. This could be nothing but an easy fix, a stupid problem, hell maybe even an embarrassing one. I'll take that but right now I'm worried. I'm sitting on this and most days I just repeat that I'm healthy and move on but the waiting coupled with these issues- can make for moments when I'm legitimately scared.
So I can talk about this here? Can I just put this here and leave it. I'm carrying it around and it's getting a little heavy. I just want to put this here and leave it. I can't fix it today. Today, all I can do is be a Mom- go to work- and follow through with my day. I won't know more yet. So, I just need to leave this here. Leave it here and let it go.