By the time we get here:
*(Ahem, that's a lie. I think I had my first crush at age 3. His name was Nathan and he was the preschooler who would swear. So you know, my standards started out really promising.)
Moving on:
By high school- I looked like this
I had and (have) a very pretty sister who was cool, together, and gorgeous. I had quite the complex going.
I'm now 24 years old. I look back on these pictures and think- Man, I wasn't ugly for a second. Why couldn't I see that?!? Depression often kept me from putting much effort into my outfits and "look" but I by far was not ugly.
I realize this seems like an exercise in narcissism. Bear with me.
Then I think to myself, I don't want to look back in another 10 years and think "Why didn't I think I was pretty?!? What's wrong with me?" I chopped off all my hair, the hair that I hid behind. I have worked harder on self-love in the past year than I have in my life. I have worked harder on the inner me in the last few years than I have in my life. Dash it all I'm still having to work on it!!!
My husband tells me I'm beautiful- almost if not every- single day. I love that. It's so nice to have someone love you. Finally, though I'm not looking for a man to validate my outer image. It's great that he thinks that- but darn it I want to think that!!
I'm 24, I've figured out who I am, what I'm about it, and said "like me or don't just be polite when you see me". Sure, I still have self doubts, plenty of flaws, and imperfections. However, I like this girl living in here.
Have you ever seen my daughter? She's breath-taking. Her eyes are like sea water and are as big as dinner plates, her smile lights up her whole face, and she has perfect pouty lips! She's going to be an amazing little girl. It's pretty critical to me, she never look at herself the way I've looked at me. I don't care if she had purple skin and 3 foreheads- she would still be beautiful and need to love herself. I have to teach her that. If she sees me looking at myself, making negative comments, always pointing out my flaws, then she's going to follow this pattern of behavior too. I'm SUPER not okay with that.
I've been going through a hard time and I'm sure that plays into my negative voice. However, I'm looking to make positive changes in my life. Putting my best foot forward to good health and loving myself for who I am and what that package looks like. I have to shut down that insecure voice that calls me "frumpy, homely, fat, awkward, inelegant," It really needs to shut up.
I can look at other women, who are heavier than I am, women who all look different and embrace themselves. I can look at them and agree- wow they're beautiful. I have to find the place that says "I'm beautiful too."
I know I have talked about this a lot. It can get to me. I just have to find that beauty for myself. We'll I'm working on it.