I was not prepared for the hell that would happen this week.
I was not prepared for how I would feel, how much I would cry,
and how it is more often frustration that brings tears than sadness.
It was a dark 4 days.
During this, I started considering what have been "The worst" or the "lowest" points in my life? I counted. I came up with 6 points. They were all different things that lasted over different periods but I could only find 6. I reminded myself how each of those times, I felt broken, I felt so wounded, I felt like I couldn't get past the heartbreak. I reminded myself how most of those wounds, have no power over me now. The break-ups? Those I count as blessings. The people who hurt me? Showing them forgiveness gave me such strength. Those people who died? I still miss them, but the potency of the grief has weakened. Those circumstances that felt inescapable? Well- I'm standing in a new place- right now.
This week hasn't been 'the worst' but it's been hard. It's been hard not feeling terrified, defeated, angry, broken, questioning, and exhausted. My body felt like it was exactly against me. I felt like my own person'ness' had betrayed me a little bit. With the stress that had already been mounting, I felt like there were mountains on my shoulders. I kept saying "I just need this to stop. I just need this to stop now." I was angry and frustrated that I couldn't control things I desperately wanted to.
Now, here I am. Things are totally better, there more like minutely better. However, my outlook doesn't feel so bleak. My mind doesn't feel so paralyzed. My heart doesn't feel so broken. Yep, I still have things to fix, adulting to do, bills to pay, children to raise, and pain that I have to overcome. Some of those things are still going to be hard. It is what it is.
I'm so incredibly grateful for the people in my life. My husband, he's is a balm when my emotions feel charred and burned. He knows how to settle my spirit when I feel like a cat in stuck in ice water. My Mother. My best friend. These are people who are there when the fit hits the shan and I'm left going "What do I do?". I have these beautiful babies. I hope they never see me sweat, but I also hope that when I can't hide it, they seem Mom get through it. My family, my friends, and my faith. They have helped me through this.
I also helped me through this. My support system is wonderful, I appreciate all they give, and how much they are there for me. I am also proud of myself for getting through it too. It's just a bad day, not a bad life. I have overall- a wonderful life. Time to get back to it.