At night, Kai and I try to do bedtime routine together as much as possible. After personal care and story time, we pray as a family. After the kids share their intentions (Josh really loves to pray for inanimate objects), we pray for our families (all members, even blended members), our friends, and then we pray blessings on our enemies. Right now this is a bit above the kids heads. However, I want them in the practice now. They see Mom and Dad praying for the people they don't like or who have hurt them. We continually explain, "we don't curse our enemies, we bless them. First because what you do or say, comes back to you. Second, hating people is bad for our hearts, it's hard, but you make the choice to live peacefully and let go. While they don't fully get this now, as they grow they will and this foundation will be there. I have found in my own life, when I pray blessings to those who have hurt me or pissed me off, those relationships have transformed. It's made my heart better.
I still struggle but I don't want to be petty or bitter, personally, I wish I could not care altogether, but I'm not built that way. So instead of carrying negativity around, I try to replace that with positives. My prayer time has really helped this. Not everyone prays, but if you aren't spiritual that way, simply replacing those negative thoughts really helps toward inner peace. As a kid, my mother read me the story of Solomon. He was rewarded because he chose wisdom. My mother, of all her lessons, stressed wisdom very hard. So even as a child, I prayed for wisdom. It sounded like the smartest thing to do. As an adult, I've seen some of the fruits of that and I continue to work toward wisdom. Happiness is more than immediate gratification, if you only seek the immediate pleasure, temporary happiness is all you'll ever find. I want deeper than that.
Lately, we've been blessed, after struggling we're finally seeing really good things. I'm encouraged by this and I'm grateful. I took some time off work to just rest, I was able to do some of what I wanted. I got to explore my hobbies more. Kai told "paint what's in your head, paint how you feel, paint those emotions." One night I did a self portrait on my kindle. It was sad. I looked like the mother from "What's Eating Gilbert Grape." If you haven't seen this, the actress is a morbidly obese woman, so much so she struggled to do the scenes that required her to walk. I'm trying to embrace what is beautiful about me. My therapist said "own what is beautiful about you." I used to think I was ok, even sometimes pretty. Gaining baby weight with Josh really blew that apart. My health issues made losing the weight a real struggle.
I did another self portrait. One I'm going to share. It's how I feel I look on the inside. My hope is to embrace that outer beauty too, but I an confident that inside I am a beautiful person. I'm understanding that I don't have to be liked by everyone or even anyone to know this. I know who I am. I've talked about teaching my children their identities. Part of this is embracing mine. I have talents, I am kind and compassionate. I'm loving and caring, funny and smart. I'm complex and I try to be gracious. These are what make me beautiful. That I will look at those I don't like, or who have wounded me and still find what is good in them. I may not let my guard down, but I can acknowledge they are not ask bad, that there is worth in them.
Finally, I have embraced not comparing myself to anyone. I'm not in competition with any person. Kai always says "if you compete or you fight, you've already lost." Every person has their own high and low tides. Every person has their own gifts and growth edges. I'm do as well. I'm not about being better than anyone and I dint look at myself as less than anyone either. I'm Hannah. I continue to grow and there are great things in me already. I measure my success by my own happiness, no one else's standards. I have no need for perfection, just to continue the journey.
I've talked a lot over the years about this process, it's likely to be an unending one. I'm really glad about where I am and who I am. This is good. I'd love to encourage anyone who's going though self reflection or who needs a lifting hand. If you ever need that, shoot me a message here or on Facebook. Even if we haven't talked before, I mean this sincerely. If you need someone to build you up, let me know!
Peace and love!