Dear Evil Stepmother:
You're pissing me off. You're giving me a bad name. It's not cool. I know, I hear you, on social media, in the groups, talking about how much this "epithet" is a terrible Mom. How much MORE you love your step-child and how much more WORTHY of a parent you are. I see you. You're wrong.
I get it. Blended families are never going to be smooth and sometimes you need to vent- get it out. I hear you. It's one thing to vent to a friend- "This is hard. It's tough, I'm struggling, and I need this to be easier. What I'm seeing upsets me." But you shouldn't be in a pissing contest for who's the better Mommy. If you are, you aren't.
I think in most situations, the comparison is going to come naturally. You are both in a female-parent role. You are both inevitably going to do that differently, not agree, and have issues. There are truly situations of Bad Moms. There are truly situations where all of that is a shade of grey and you aren't in someone else's shoes.
I'm in my own head a lot and even Kail's Mom will tell you that we have not always gotten along. I have also not always gotten along with my husband. You work it out. As the years have gone by- things have changed, the edges aren't so rough, and everyone is pretty secure in their role at this point. We all love this kid. He comes first- the rest is from there. We do things differently, don't always agree, and inevitably there's things to work out.
It's hard, I think unless you work REALLY hard it's never going to be completely comfortable. When I became a Step-Mom I knew I was going to do this:
1) Never alienate Kail from any parent
2) Love him lots so that he's never the "step child" in his own home
3) Try with all my might to make our blended family a smooth situation.
I've learned a lot since this started. I've screwed up too. All three of us have screwed up. We just kept working at it. I'm finally in a place where it doesn't feel like we have to work very hard (knock on wood). I struggled with that tight-rope balance of being a good StepMom and wanting to be there for this child I love so dearly, and knowing where to step back. It was hard, there are still moments and there probably always will be some. It gets so much easier when you give up on establishing where you fit- and you just love the kid and fit where you can.
So Step Mommies- here's something to remember- you don't get anymore validation trying to "Out-Mom" someone. There is no competition. You're in a family not a sport. Yes, you should absolutely care, you should care so much that you try and support a bio-Mom.
Why? Because this is your family now, buck-up buttercup you signed up.
Last but certainly not least: You don't get to favor your kids- be mean to your stepchild- and or try to excluded a bio parent (Here's looking at YOU J- my nephews Evil Step Mom. Someday we're going to have a talk and I'll try not to punch your face). It justifies every reason for bio-moms to be defensive, suspicious, and aggressive. Bottom line, it doesn't matter how someone else acts- it matters how you respond. Bottom line, you signed up to be a Step-Mom. If you can't love someone Else's child- back out. If you can't see why rejecting their other parent rejects who they are- back you.
Step Moms, the work you do matters, it is like all parenting- it matters. You may often feel like it's an uphill battle because you don't feel validated. Where other roles in parenting are often validated. However, you have to let it go. We don't parent our children for some kind of recognition. We parent them, we raise them, and we give to them- because we love them. If you're doing this looking for a pat on the back- it will never be enough. You don't parent for a reward. I understand, step parents who are involved should be recognized as equal parents. Unless you're fighting for rights in court, it shouldn't matter how anyone sees you but the family that you're in.
Love,
The Wicked Jar of Bees