Inner Zen Master
Without delving into great detail the last two weeks have been incredibly stressful. It's been one thing after another on top of the moving and let's face it- no one likes moving. It's hell. As a person with fibromyalgia and rheumatoid- that creates internal chaos as well. To be vulnerable I haven't handled it with as much grace as I could but in my defense- I could have done more freaking out too.
So I must be vulnerable if I'm to show you this all and for it to mean something. My Father is not a perfect man. In his imperfections he has wounded me deeply. As he is my Father these wounds go deep. As a child it is hard to be rejected by a parent, regardless of age.
In my humanness I want to lass out. I want to be angry and rage. I want to be bitter. It can be hard to continually forgive someone, when the wounds keep coming. I have faith. I don't always agree with a set doctrine- but that is a debate for another time. What my faith tells me here is that forgiveness must be extended regardless of feeling. Where I'm sitting- I know how hard that is.
What I can tell you is that it is better to forgive anyway. It's always better. That doesn't mean you allow them full access to your heart and to your life; but it also doesn't mean that you harbor resentment and feed the wound.
I like books. In one book (a Mercy Thompson series book) I read they talk about a legend. It is supposed to be Cherokee legend if you believe the website I'll be citing at the bottom. To sum up it this: The Grandfather says: "There is a terrible fight inside me. Two wolves. One is evil- he is anger, envy, arrogance, guilt...The other is good- he is love, joy, truth, compassion... The same fight is going on in every person." The Grandson asks: "Who will win?" The Grandfather replies: "The one you feed."
What do you feed in your heart? So I sit here, knowing my hurts. What do I feed? Choosing love, compassion, and peace- is a harder choice but I see it as the better one.
To me- this circles back to that happiness project. While my bucket list was really cute this is the meat and potatoes of that project. I believe that you have to foster joy in order to feel it, despite the circumstances around you. I'm not always good at that. In fact I struggle with it a lot. However, it's important to learn so I'm working on it. No matter where I am in life- there's always going to be someone to rub me wrong. Be it my Father or someone else. People are destined to fail each other. I am not uniquely programmed to be able to brush that dirt off my shoulders. Some of you might be- I am totally envious of you!! So this is my stuff guys, this is my junk and I'm letting you see it because I hope that it might help you or encourage you.
I am not good at this. I don't sit here claiming to be. I talk about it because it is my struggle. Each time, I get a little better at it. I learn that I that rejection doesn't define me or validate me. It's all a learning process. If you're in it right now- always feel free to shoot me a message. There's a facebook link on the about page that is great for that! Thank you for reading. I hope all this emotional vomit makes sense.
Peace guys!
So I must be vulnerable if I'm to show you this all and for it to mean something. My Father is not a perfect man. In his imperfections he has wounded me deeply. As he is my Father these wounds go deep. As a child it is hard to be rejected by a parent, regardless of age.
In my humanness I want to lass out. I want to be angry and rage. I want to be bitter. It can be hard to continually forgive someone, when the wounds keep coming. I have faith. I don't always agree with a set doctrine- but that is a debate for another time. What my faith tells me here is that forgiveness must be extended regardless of feeling. Where I'm sitting- I know how hard that is.
What I can tell you is that it is better to forgive anyway. It's always better. That doesn't mean you allow them full access to your heart and to your life; but it also doesn't mean that you harbor resentment and feed the wound.
I like books. In one book (a Mercy Thompson series book) I read they talk about a legend. It is supposed to be Cherokee legend if you believe the website I'll be citing at the bottom. To sum up it this: The Grandfather says: "There is a terrible fight inside me. Two wolves. One is evil- he is anger, envy, arrogance, guilt...The other is good- he is love, joy, truth, compassion... The same fight is going on in every person." The Grandson asks: "Who will win?" The Grandfather replies: "The one you feed."
What do you feed in your heart? So I sit here, knowing my hurts. What do I feed? Choosing love, compassion, and peace- is a harder choice but I see it as the better one.
To me- this circles back to that happiness project. While my bucket list was really cute this is the meat and potatoes of that project. I believe that you have to foster joy in order to feel it, despite the circumstances around you. I'm not always good at that. In fact I struggle with it a lot. However, it's important to learn so I'm working on it. No matter where I am in life- there's always going to be someone to rub me wrong. Be it my Father or someone else. People are destined to fail each other. I am not uniquely programmed to be able to brush that dirt off my shoulders. Some of you might be- I am totally envious of you!! So this is my stuff guys, this is my junk and I'm letting you see it because I hope that it might help you or encourage you.
I am not good at this. I don't sit here claiming to be. I talk about it because it is my struggle. Each time, I get a little better at it. I learn that I that rejection doesn't define me or validate me. It's all a learning process. If you're in it right now- always feel free to shoot me a message. There's a facebook link on the about page that is great for that! Thank you for reading. I hope all this emotional vomit makes sense.
Peace guys!