One of the biggest joys of my adult life has been the ability to be so active and to share so many experiences with my kids. That I get to spend every day with them at home, even though I also work full time.
One of the hardest most bitter parts of my adult life is that Fibromyalgia and Rheumatoid Arthritis sometimes robs me of this time anyway.
I'm 22 years old, I shouldn't feel like I'm 65. See, Fibro and RA are tricky. I have days where I can beat the pain so that I function completely normally. I don't go a single day without pain, but on the really good days, I can manage it with relative ease. So, I look like most 22 year old Moms.
It is the bad days that things are different. I can't predict when they will happen or how often. I can have strings of good days and then it will hit me like a train and I'll be down for the better part of a week or sometimes just a day. When I saw "down" here's what I mean:
I will sleep, excessively, I feel so weak and can not beat the fatigue. I can't leave my bed without my husband's help, I can't walk around far without help. The pain- will go from sharp stabs (which can occur anywhere) to deep muscle aches and extreme muscle tension. The muscles in my legs, back, and arms will become like rocks and they will not release. Sometimes I will get "restless" limbs as well and personally I'd rather just be in pain.
This is then accompanied by arthritis pain, joint swelling and deep aches and cramping. I have arthritis in my hands, my hips, and my knees. My hands have boxers fractures (so that flares up with the weather changes) along with the arthritis and then I can't use my right hand well on those days. On bad days the best I can do (while pregnant) is take some Tylenol, use ice packs, and rest. When all I want to do is play with my kids, it becomes so frustrating.
I've been having some pretty bad days. It's hard not get to depressed. My husband, (who is a Saint), is amazing on days like these. He will take care of EVERYTHING while I'm down. He makes sure I get play time with the kids even when I can't leave our bed. It helps a lot, but it's still frustrating that I have to put off life- because I hurt.
I'm blessed to have the job that I do. It's one I can do even with all of this, because of the shift that I work. However, a difficult night at work can lead to me having a bad day. You win some you lose some. I have tried different medications, when I'm not pregnant I manage it pretty well. Pregnancy for me exacerbates these issues and I struggle more.
All in all, I am incredibly blessed. The majority of the time I am able to be the Mom I want to be, I am able to have a full time job, and am able to live life exactly how I want. However, I'm human and these bad days get to me sometimes. It's hard to consider it all joy when I hurt and feel like I'm 100 years old. So I needed to talk about it. Thank you for listening. I hope to back to myself and have some neat blogs up for you soon, but this is why I haven't had as many regular posts as usual.
Thanks for sticking with me.