I am also a card-carrying member of that group. When I read Lori's article in "Hello, Darling ~ This is Motherhood~" I felt like someone was finally talking about someone I could relate to. The imperfect Mother.
There is so much pressure to be "super mom" that the issues and pain that arise for mothers in any point of parenthood are swept away. Now, I don't believe that the idea of not striving be the best for your children should become and excuse for neglect and I have seen it used that way. No, I'm talking to Moms who want to give it their all but feel the real struggle of being "less than super mommy". Where do you go when the walls are closing in- why isn't it safe to admit "I'm struggling with this?"
There's this unspoken competition I've seen in social media, "Who's really the better Mommy?" It's exhausting and everyone's standard is different and no matter where you fall there's someone waiting to judge you. I know Mother's who have had DHS remove their children but are on social media as if nothing is wrong. (To other's credit I've seen Mother's in the same position admit they were wrong to the world and try their best to get their children back). There is so much shame associated to "parenting the right way" that we deposit a vast amount of shame to things we shouldn't. By things we shouldn't I mean that when a Mom is struggling with being overwhelmed- they can become afraid to admit it for fear of being judged as harshly as a parent who has grossly neglected their child.
Again, I don't condone neglect or abusing children and I really dislike seeing "Well, I don't need to be a super mom" as an excuse for these actions. By the same token, when a mother has a legitimate struggle there isn't an open away to discuss this. There's a huge fear of shame.
So to start, I will be honest and I say I am not a super mom. I can't be. There are days I am overwhelmed by things and it can be hard to move out of that funk. Those days I'm not engaged on a level I think I need to be. Thankfully, I have an amazing partner who steps in. Not everyone has that support. So what do you do?
I think that's it's really critical for women to come together and support other women. We can support each other during those times where we don't have the energy or emotional availability to be all we want to be. It starts with open conversation and ending the silent competition. It starts with allowing ourselves the grace not to be perfect. It's having the courage to accept help when we need it and letting go of shame we don't need.
No one is the "perfect parent" and I am guilty of side-eyeing parenting choices that I though "weren't right". I'm making a point now to not sit in judgment but be a voice that says "It's okay to struggle, we aren't going to be perfect parents".