Post: "Sometimes when I see a car seat not top tethered when it's forward facing I contemplate just seeing if the car is unlocked and top tethering it"
Callie: Checking to see if the car is unlocked is for posers. I carry a car emergency hammer in my diaper bag for just this reason; I'm committed.
Yolande: To make sure people do things my way? I give random children suger and dvd's because I believe twinkies and tv never hurt anyone!!
Kimberley: Please don't--you might wake up my baby.
Jennifer: When I see a bottle of formula in an unattended diaper bag, I quickly dump it out and hand-express my own milk into the bottle. It's so satisfying to know that baby is getting those live immune cells her own mother is too selfish to share.
Schtubie: When I see moms merely wearing their babies in impersonal carriers I often school them on family cervix. I keep my trusses and a sample of lubricant handy, as well as an informative pamphlet detailing how to secure your child, up to 20 years, safely in your womb for the ultimate in bonding. My 186 month old loves his mommy womb time.
Rebekah: Right? I mean, nobody is going to drink kombucha knowingly. Sometimes, you have to be sneaky and pretend you don't know why the Sierra Mist is funky.
**My Favorite**:
When I see moms merely wearing their babies in impersonal carriers I often school them on family cervix. I keep my trusses and a sample of lubricant handy, as well as an informative pamphlet detailing how to secure your child, up to 20 years, safely in your womb for the ultimate in bonding. My 186 month old loves his mommy womb time.
Post: "There's no reason for your house to be a mess while your kids are growing:"
Laura: "Omg I think this may have been posted in my one cleaning group. I'll take "shit that doesn't actually happen" for $800, Trebec"
Leigh: ""I grew up in a house where Mom woke up an hour before us and started making beds. It was hard to get up from a bed that was already made over my sleeping body. I suffer from insane anxiety."
Amy: "Your future daughter in law wants you dead. Believe that"
Post: THIS. Is how it's done.
Heather: " She forgot to recommend a chiropractor and reiki master. Amateur Sanctimommy."
Ashley: "Does whole foods do vaginal exams now?"
-Annalisa: "No. But you should know by now that the answer to "Not such a fresh feeling down there?" is "Put some kale on it"."
Sam: " I thought it was weird when the vendor at the Farmer's Market offered to give me a free pap smear, but free is free."
** Favorite** Jeffery: "When your mom is a stage 4 vegan and you can't eat anything with a shadow."
Beth: "Bless her organic, artisan, grass-fed, unvaccinated heart"
Steph: "What? No acupuncturist, reiki master or even a chiropractor? What kind of sham homeopath are you?"
Post: I enjoy subbing my toe, it reminds me that I have feet.
(YAS) Claire: "I'm sorry that you feel compelled to so negatively "label" your child's normal, developmentally-appropriate behavior. We don't use the "T" word in our house. We prefer to be physically and emotionally present while our little snowflake expresses her feelings. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go replace an entire set of dishes that my beautiful rosebud smashed while having a healthy expression of the frustration emotion. I don't mind though, because I'm so lucky to be a mom."
Schtubie: "Oh dear. Your child has tantrums? This really isn't normal. Are you baby wearing and co sleeping? My 97 month old loves her ring sling and sleeping next to mommy. She also nurses whenever she gets upset. You must not have a close attachment with your ovarian flower and this is why they feel the need to shriek."
Casey: " I do enjoy every tantrum. Especially the look on my kids faces when I throw one in public places, like the supermarket, or car line. It lets them know I feel their frustrations and elevate our connection above social pressures - like not being a jackass to other people."
Post: My partner and I have drafted the following letter to pass out in lieu of candy to those children whose health is obviously of concern. I hope their parents see it as a wake up call and give them a dose of tough love for the sake of their health.
Keecia: "I really hope that's recycled paper. Honestly, if you were truly concerned, you'd have sent this in an email. Paper free is the way to be!"
Heather: " Seriously, I'm making kale chips to pass out, but I'm sure you're trying your best."
Rebecca: "Studies show that shame is the most effective means for weight loss. Thanks you for supporting our snow ball (he's just way to large to be called snowflake anymore). He is an avid reader and brought this home in tears. I got to look him in the eyes and said, "I told you so. You have no business trick or treating."
Brandy: "This poor, ignorant soul, bless her heart. Doesn't she know that excessive sugar can affect any child , regardless of weight ?
In my neighborhood, I only hand out non food items I have made by hand or keep a bowl of organic fruit to hand out on Halloween. I also keep a glucose kit handy to take blood samples of each child that passes my door so that I can confiscate the candy from those who are at risk for type two diabetes. To add humor to the fun, I dress up like a vampire (don't worry, like a sparkling one with yellow eyes, not one of those satanic beasts). I also do follow up checks and print nutrition plans for the families since they're obviously lacking information on health. After all, when you know better, you do better."
Erin: "Oh thank god someone is doing this too. Last year I handed out similar notes, giving them to all the ugly kids and asking their parents to ration out the beauty creams and makeup so the rest of us aren't so offended by their grotesque looks. After all, if we don't speak up who will?"
Anya: "I pass out my candy on a sliding scale. Skinny kids get full sized candy bars. Average get the fun size bars. Fat kids get one tootsie roll. I have a poster to explain the process."
Rachel: "We need a kickstarter to send this person to grammar camp. I've never seen such flagrant abuse of a semi-colon. I will be handing out commas for Halloween."
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