Yes, sure there are people who are comfortable in polyamourous relationships, but this couple doesn't strike me as that. Neither one of them were actually comfortable with her husband seeking sex elsewhere. This woman felt so uncomfortable and that sex was such a martial obligation that she had to offer her husband the extreme option of looking for sex with someone else just get her marriage focused on the friendship side and not the sexual side.
Yes, she ends the article stating the free pass will be for her. Which I'm hoping she means intimacy between her and her husband. I feel like that could be interpreted different ways.
This is a woman who was feeling trapped under pressure to have sex, so trapped that she was doing it when she didn't want to and feeling disgusted. She claims to have listened to some conselours and that's great.
What I feel like her and her husband were severely lacking is intimacy. Intimacy with your partner is so much more than the act of sex. It's in those quiet talks together. Intimacy comes when you're actually being friends with your partner, raising those tiny beings together, and doing life. You build trust and you get more and vulnerable. Telling your husband to go find another person to have sex with isn't going to fix this issue.
Yes, our bodies change after babies. They change in all kinds of ways. Our libidos change all kinds of ways too. I think in a good marraige, we look at how we can meet each other's needs in a balanced way. No one person should be giving all the time and recieving all the time (eek- no entendre meant there). There are ways that you can work to make sure that your sex life is balanced in your marriage so that no one feels pressured and no one feels neglected. It doesn't have to be so all or nothing.
I get the feeling this woman felt so pressured that in her marriage sex wasn't an act of love it was an obligation to fullfill. Yeah, I'd be disgusted too. She finally had to tell her husband "look, just go find someone else" to get him to wake up and realize- that it was hurting her. That in turn- wounded him. No intimacy. Open communication is intimate, vulnerable, and a little scary. All her associates with sex were that is was a chore, not an expression of love.
"I can't get down with scheduled sexcapades, sexpectations, obligatory date nights, or the clichéd marriage counseling that shrinks suggest to every couple struggling with sexual intimacy."
The advice she got was put sex on her "to do list"? Seriously? When she's already feeling pressured to begin with? In the end, they were right to get back to being friends, partners, and working toward their family. They need that. Not other people added into the mix.
Marriage goes through seasons. I've only been married 4 years. Not that long. I've learned a few things in those years though. That sex in my marriage is not about any kind of obligation. That it's going to ebb and flow but that we should work together to make sure we're meeting each other's needs. That like the other aspects of our marriage, it's about being partners. Everything is about being partners.
There were so many women who could relate to this poster. Women who just wanted to throw up their hands and say "Either just be my friend and do this family thing with me and let go of needing sex all time- or go out and find someone else". Forgetting that when you put another person in the equation you can drive your spouse even farther apart. Balance!
It sounds like aside from this they really wanted to stay married. That they saw the good things they bring together to their marriage and are happy. Why do we forget that sex is still a part of that balance we need? Can't both sides make compromises? I see a lot of cliches out there. The husband who wants it all the time so the wife has sex out of obligation and not enjoyment or the wife that never wants it at all and the man suffers months or longer without sex. Neither of those scenarios seem healthy to me.
I don't think giving your husband a free pass to screw someone else is a good option. What about giving each other a free pass to speak totally openly? Saying exactly what your needs are- without fear- and looking to find a comfortable compromise that can fit both your needs. Working on your intimacy outside of the bedroom to build on what happens in the bedroom. Wouldn't that be better?