Motherhood: Juggling jars full of bees all while conducting an orchestra.
Jar of bees
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My child my child

3/12/2015

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  Dear Elena, 
         My sweet sweet daughter. I love you so much. I was so excited to have a daughter and the special bond we'd share. I'm also so thrilled about the special bond you'll have with your Daddy. 
        Growing up you'll learn that my relationship with my Father hasn't been a smooth one. I love my Father deeply but I've never had the "hero" Dad, though he has at times come to my rescue. I don't get a lot of warm "Daddy best friend, always there for me, fuzzy feelings". I have cherished memories but there's pain there too. I still value the relationship with my Father, it taught me so much and despite it all, I wouldn't trade my Dad. He's my Dad, for better or worse. 
        I did have that bond with my Grandfather. It was special, he was my hero but as much as I loved him and I can't describe how much- he was once removed. He wasn't my "Daddy". 
       Daughter of mine- you have that Daddy. I've been watching a show and this girl, her Dad is her hero. He's loving, caring, and there for her. Sometimes I look at that with a touch of bitter sweetness. I don't have those feelings. Then I think- my daughter gets that gift. That thought- makes me so happy. You will have it. 
      You Dad, the love there, it's intense and you will never know the depth of his love for you. When you were so tiny just four days old, you were in the hospital. Your Daddy held you for hours, you were so fussy and scared in the therapy crib. So he stood, put his arms around you and held you. He held you for hours, standing by that crib. I could hold you to nurse you but otherwise you needed to be in phototherapy. He did that for six hours. I've never seen him scared or rattled like that. He's always my calm in the storm but that day- he couldn't let you go. 
        He will be your first love and he will never break your heart. Sure, he'll piss you off but he's your best friend. When boys are upsetting you, you can talk to him. He's a closet sage and an old soul. When you are afraid of monsters he'll be right there to make you feel safe. I'll probably be the one teaching you how to fix your first car, but it will be your Dad who's got the patience to teach you drive it. 
      There will be Daddy daughter dates and dances and you've got this amazing Father. If I could have hand picked the perfect Dad, I don't think I could have imagined up yours. So, go easy on him- he's already married to me. 
       He's going to show that unconditional love that you'll need to grow up. I promise, I will be the best Mommy I can be. I've had some amazing examples but I really want you to know how great you've got it in your Daddy. No matter what you do, where you go, or how you live- you will always have our arms to run back to. We will love you through it all. You'll never have to be afraid to come home (well, strictly speaking, you might catch hell for a minute but we will never not love you). My Mother always said "There's nothing you could to make me not love you." That is exactly true for you my little Song. 
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