There's a lot of reasons for this but basically, I'm done being a baby oven.
The same week I mourned not having more children.
I got two more children, at least temporarily.
I'm 26 and don't feel nearly adult enough for some of this. 5 minutes ago I was an angst ridden teenager, what on earth am I doing with a house full of kids? Also where is the manual for navigating all of this???
So, suddenly my life is very very much one day at a time.
I thought this would break us a little. I thought it would be too much and too overwhelming and I'd be hiding in my bedroom crying under the pressure. That's not what happened. Instead, my husband and I have probably been the best parents we've ever been and I thought we were pretty okay parents already. He and I have been working together so well and facing challenges with patience and love and laughter and we lay in bed at night exhausted but talking happily about all these kids we love. It's insane.
In order to manage now 4 to 5 kids in our home at any given time, we are working together, tag teaming when the kids are getting intense, and I have heard either one of us lose our temper in days. We aren't normally parents to lose their cookies but it totally happens like any family. This is like trial by fire and we're doing well.
Sorry to spend that time tooting my own horn. I just, I need to give us some credit here because some of the stuff on our plate is hard. We have 3 kids with their own varying needs and complexities, and now we have more kids with new needs and complexities and we have to try to find a balance in that. We are brand new to some of this and some of the challenges are freaking hard.
NOW- we aren't doing all this without help. First off- I have the single most amazing Mother I could ever ask for. She's the person I can call when I want to make sure I'm parenting firmly but gently. She's the person I can call and vent to when I'm stressed and trying to regain balance. She's the person who comes to my house and take dirty clothes to wash for me and take a load of my shoulders. She is the person who welcomes every single kid in my house as a Grandchild no matter where they come from or who they're related to. They're welcome, they're loved, and they're accepted. My Mom is a Saint.
My Dad is pretty damn awesome too. He helps by being available to take kids when I need and helps to make sure Kai and I can find breaks. He also opens his home to all these kids I call mine, let's any of them call him Papa and is a supportive Grandparent.
So, it's not like we're just left out there trying to figure this all out without support. I'm extremely grateful for all the support we have.
I did things today I have never ever done.
I hate appointments. I hate going to places for help. I am terrified of places I don't know and social situations and all of it. Terrified. Panic inducing, tight fists, I hate this, terrified. I did it all today. I had to get more clothes for all these kids, I went and did things to get them more clothes. I had to do a giant school function where I'm a gym with no one I know and it's crowded and there's tons of people and I feel judged any time I so much as fidget.
I did it- because nothing, hell or high water, was going to keep me from seeing my niece's concert. She needed me to be there and so i was there. These are victories I never thought I'd do. I can't do school functions without my husband. I can't. I struggle to do them when he's there, forget about it if he's not. However, I have all these kids and Kai needed to stay back with the 3 at home and she needed to be there and have someone watch her too.
I went. I met a very nice Grandma was who was in a similar boat that I was and we sat together and I didn't have to feel so alone. I was still uncomfortable and anxious but we made it.
Everything in the past few months that I thought would crush me- has just polished my edges.
God is powerful. Life is powerful. Love is powerful.
I am in pain, profoundly tired, and just kinda hanging in there- but I'm happy as hell that we're doing this and we keep on keeping on. It's a strange strange feeling- this life.