I don't have a lot of hope that you'll read it. I'd contact you directly but I don't think that will be productive either. I just really want to say this.
Two wrongs don't make a freaking right. In a marriage, you're going to have forgive. A lot. All the time. In a marriage, both parties are going to make mistakes. Clearly, in your situation neither of you are coming away with clean hands.
So maybe, take a look at your situation. Be honest. Haven't both of you screwed each other over enough? It's been pretty clear that despite all that nonsense you still really love each other. So, why do you keep bringing up things that are over and done with? There comes a point when you have to decide, I have to let this crap go because in the end I still love this person.
Is your personal pride so important that you're going to throw away a chance at a family? Do you think all the people who don't air their dirty laundry online have it perfect? Reality should tell you otherwise. So, how you do think they stay together? Do you want your family? Do you want your kids to grow up with both their parents? Do you want this person who you clearly really love to be able to build a beautiful life with you? Then let it freaking go.
You don't want counseling hmm. Maybe rethink that friend. If you're still not able to work through your issues without getting immature and on "the book" then maybe you need some guidance. I get it, no really. How people see us and what they think of us can be important and if you feel your name has been drug through the mud- you want to clear that right up.
I get it. You wanna know why? My personal shit has been aired out. Some of it wasn't even true. It hurt like hell. I really cared about the person who was screwing me over. Yet somehow, I never put out a comeback. I never needed to "clear my name or fix my reputation". I decided I loved them and I wanted my family to be good, so I let it go. Was that easy? NO! It SUCKED. But in the end- getting even wasn't worth the person I cared about. In the end, my need for pride would have just further opened scrutiny and that kind of validation wasn't worth it.
Making more mud to sling around doesn't fix the problems of the past. It opens you up to people like me to sit and say: "Wow, that's a dick move mate". How does that help the fundamental issue of your family not working. Heartbreak begets heartbreak. Violence begets violence. Likewise- love begets love. The truth will out. Always. You don't usually need to "help it along". You know what the best kind of revenge really is- I'll tell you the secret- it's being happy. Are you happy? Did that situation of validation get you anywhere? It has plenty of views but not a lot of people out there with rousing "good job man! Stick it'em". No. You just look like an asshole. What were you going for? If you don't care what people think of you- then you wouldn't have put that out there to begin with.
Happiness. You deserve it. Your partner deserves it and your kids most certainly freaking do. Instead of focusing on being "right" why don't you try being happy. Put down your delicate ego and step up. You're a pretty cool person this incident aside. You have a loving family and people out there who want to support you. Rest in that. Learn to handle your business.
I've been married since 2011. We have had some rocky times friend. Times where shit has been as hard as it could get. Some how, through that- we stayed together, faithful, and forgiving. You keep pressing toward the future. You hold onto love, even when you don't feel like it. That's a part of being married. It is NOT always going to FEEL good. The vows you made aren't about how great it's always going to feel. It's about the fact that you're willing to work through that and build something epically amazing. So then you keep forgiving, you keep loving, and you keep moving forward.
Never expect the people you love to live up to what you want all the time. Don't expect the people who love never to hurt you. You aren't going to live up to what they want. You're going to hurt them. So have some damn grace. You want to know who hurts us the most in the world? The people we love the most. Loving someone is: "I give you the right to hurt me, knowing that I will forgive you. My love doesn't come with strings and conditions because I know I'm as imperfect as you." Don't be thicked headed, dim witted, and cruel. You're smarter than that and better than that and more capable of being a better human. You really are.
We accept the love we think we deserve. You BOTH deserve to be loved by the best versions of each other. You both are trying to work out this life. I'm not sitting on their side or your side. I'm saying that neither side is innocent in this fight-so put your damn weapons down before your murder the love you have left. Is this how you want your kids to treat their spouses? Does your marriage reflect the one you want your kids to have? They're looking at you mate.
Your life can absolutely be better. Your life can be so filled with freaking happiness that sunshine comes out your ass. That's not going to be the every waking moment reality- but you can have blinding happiness even in the middle of super dark moments. Trust me. So decide. Are you worth it? Are you worth making your life as happy as it could be? Are your kids worth that? Then step up to the plate man.
I don't mean this to judge you. I don't mean this like "look at how bad you are!!" No. We all screw up. This was one bad moment in your life. I just wish, very badly- that I could reach you- shake you REALLY hard- and tell you to stop screwing around with the good thing you could have. If you decide you want to make it great, then learn how to deal with life when it's not great. I think both of you are cool people. I think both of you deserve happiness and that your family deserves happiness. This- friend- just isn't the way to go about that.